Arrested Development: Fiction by Ciru Israel

He goes like:  Hey Beautiful!

I go like:         Hi! Handsome.

He goes like:  So what do you like to do for fun?

I go like:          I enjoy watching TV series.

He goes like:  Great! Me too. What kind do you like? I love crime, mystery.

My ears perk up. Am intrigued. I step closer to him and peer into his eyes.

I go like:         What’s a GSW?

He goes like:   Gun Shot Wound

I go like:          ADW?

He goes like:   Assault with a deadly weapon.

I go like:           AFIS?

He goes like:  Automated Fingerprint Identification System

I go like:          CODIS….

He goes like:  Combined DNA Index System

We are standing face to face now, eyes locked in Mortal Combat.

He goes like:   Probable Cause

I go like:           Reasonable Suspicion

He goes like:   Frisk

I go like:          Gun Free Zone

He goes like:  Extradition

I go like:          Statute of Limitation

He goes like:  Grand Theft Auto

I go like:          Larceny from Automobile

He goes like:   Due Process

I go like:          Burden of Proof

He goes like:  Manslaughter

I go like:         Negligent Homicide

He goes like:  Warrant inquiry

I go like:         Method of Entry

He goes like:  Minor in Consumption

I go like:         Possession of a Controlled Substance

He goes like:  Misdemeanour

I go like:        Aggravated Felony

He goes like:   Medium Velocity Spatter Blood

I go like:         Projectile Trajectory Analysis

He goes like:  Arterial Spurts. Arterial  Gushing, Lumininol!

He literally smirks with satisfaction as he utters the last statement. His pupils are really dilated. His breathe irregular. I realize how close we are standing. My mind is racing. There is a hush in our corner, people are watching. We do not notice. The room might as well be empty.

It then dawns on me how Gruesome this conversation is and how thoroughly I am enjoying it. My heart is pounding. My senses are heightened. I actually smell blood. I know that I need to step away from this man. His hazel eyes a now deep green, piercing and intrigued. Leering.

Someone taps me on the shoulder. I spin on my heels to face Marion, our hostess tonight.

“I see you’ve met my husband, Derrick.” She says. Then she purses her lips, narrowing her eyes ever so slightly. The room temperature drops a couple of notches. Then a couple more. It is then I hear the dead silence in the room. And feel the eyes. A hundred eyes. Apprehended! Disorderly Conduct, Solicitation with the Intent, Gross Violation Of Domicile Protocol…take your pick of Indictments! Guilty as Charged!

I manage a faint smile and turn back to face the Alleged Perpetrator. I observe that he has Retreated at least two feet away. And for the first time I notice his obvious Inebriation, the bloodshot eyes and the slight sway in his stance. Sigh. The bastard already has an Alibi for our little Infraction there.

“No, we have not really been introduced. My name is Ciru.” I say, extending my hand in greeting. He nonchalantly lifts his whiskey glass in my direction. Then the WMA (White Male Adult) beats a hasty retreat towards the nearest exit, the open patio door. I guess his Self Extradition makes it official; I am the Prime Suspect on this Crime Scene.

I turn to face Marion bravely and wait to be read my Miranda Rights. I am tempted to extend both hands, palms down ready for shackling. I am very familiar with the marital Penal Code. I Waive my Rights to a Defence. There are no Mitigating Circumstances in this Violation. There is a room full of Community Stakeholders, reliable Eye Witnesses who will Testify that I was ‘Publicly Heart Pounding’ with her husband. A gross Disturbance of the Peace.

She smiles condescendingly. “Oh am sure Derrick has more important conversations to pursue.”  She is not angry, just a bit irritated. Judging from her demeanour, I deduce that the Lawbreaker is a Serial Offender. And that my charges may be mitigated or even dropped, being a First Time Offender and all. This woman is an important Lead for me. I am hoping to be introduced to a couple of Known Associates of her own. She gently Cuffs my right wrist with a graceful, brightly clawed hand and leads me across the room. Over the course of the evening she unfailingly makes the introductions she promised.  I cannot help but marvel at this BFA (Black Female Adult); what class and poise!

The next day, my phone rings.  “Hi, this is Derrick.” My jaw drops as I recount the near incidence with his Next of Kin. “Why are you calling me? Who gave you my number?”  I find myself whispering into my cell phone even though I don’t have to. “I put a BOLO (Be On The Lookout) on you and found someone who had your number.” My mobile almost drops out of my hand in consternation. I have Probable Cause to believe that I am dealing with an EDP (Emotionally  Disturbed Person). A BOLO? What if some Snitch dropped a dime on me? Then I end up in Marion’s Slammer! I already got Booked and Released once for this Crime; I am not risking Incarceration again. I know in Domestic Disturbance cases Double Jeopardy definitely does not apply!

“Do not ever call me again!” I hiss through gritted teeth. “But darling, I need to see you. We need to finish our conversation.” He pleads. I shudder in disgust. Has he not read the marital Health and Safety Code? This Culprit needs to return to his RO (registered owner) before one of us gets Whacked! I disconnect the call and look around furtively. Why do I feel Guilty? Am not the one planning an emotional Heist!

He calls again so I immediately mute my Two Way Comm. I march back to my desk. My Commanding Officers are on Base and the whole Unit is on High Alert. We got a High Priority Mission Deployment this morning with strict instructions to Cease and Desist all other Operations. I need all my wits around me. I dial my Deputy Chloe and ask her to Seal the Perimeter, I will not be Intercepting any more calls today. I cannot be too Guarded. I do not know how much Reconnaissance the Perpetrator has done.

It’s now a quarter past 5, the day went well. That is until I look up from my Primary Control Point and get a clear Visual on the Villain. He is within Striking Distance beyond the glass doors Interrogating the receptionist. I quickly drop to the floor and semi crawl to my assistant Chloe’s vicinity. I need Back Up now! She is stunned to observe my unusual approach but like the good Cadet that she is, she promptly drops to the carpet to level with her Drill Sergeant.

“I thought I asked you to declare me a Missing Person?” I whisper urgently, still crouched. “I did. I sent out an All Points Dispatch that you were Deep Cover this morning. What is going on?” Chloe enquires. “There is a Person of Interest at reception in Hot Pursuit of me!”  I hastily explain. She narrows her eyes, puzzled. “Is this Friendly Fire or Hostile Fire? She probes. I face her in incredulity, “We have been Ambushed woman!” I almost scream at her. “Treat this as a Hostage Situation. I need a Negotiator and you are it!”

As if on cue, the phone on her desk rings. We both know its Front Office. She arches an eyebrow at me. “Permission to proceed with caution” I whisper. She straightens up and resumes her seat, picking up the handset. The Exchange is brief; I have reason to believe that my Cover has not been blown.

“He will not leave until you are back. He is Manning the reception.” Chloe is speaking from the corner of her mouth like an amateur ventriloquist with a Death Grin plastered on her face. This Beat Cop is clearly nowhere ready for Field Work.

I quickly assess our status. My Commanding Officers have left. I am the Highest Ranking Officer on Location hence I am the de facto In Charge. Craig from Graphics is leaning back on his swivel chair to watch our little Action. It occurs to me that we could Recruit him on our Mission. No, this is not his Jurisdiction and it would take too long to Brief him. And as his Superior Officer, Protocol demands that my private life remain strictly on a Need to Know Basis.

The Secondary Command Station handset rings again. I Signal Chloe to Maintain Radio Silence.  She looks perturbed. “Suzie at reception is waving for me to pick up” she voices through clenched teeth, while still maintaining head on Vigilance. The ringing won’t stop so I give Chloe the Directive to Respond. I cannot hear the other half of the conversation but I watch her tense up and I detect Hazard Signals.

“The Tea Girl Alerted him that you are in the Vicinity. He is portending to Storm the Blockades!” I sigh deeply. We have an Escalating Situation here. An Informant has just Leaked vital Security Information that Endangers my person. I will Reprimand her later. It is the Stalker at large that is my immediate concern. Does he harbour Malicious Intent? Is Violence his Modus Operandi?  Might he be carrying a Concealed Weapon? Whatever he is, I am sure he is about to cause Civil Disorder at my work place. I cannot afford this Public Embarrassment and Defamation of Character. I need to respond with decisive Authority.

“Notify Security, we got a Code Red!” I promptly Order Chloe. She reaches under her desk for the Panic Button. As if on cue, the glass doors are flung open and the Deviant, AKA Derrick Smith, bursts into the room hollering my name. The Perimeter has been Breached! I am so shocked that I involuntarily Expose my Position, slowly rising to my feet to face him. Chloe, my ever loyal Rookie, swiftly steps up in front of me as a Body Shield. Tango Constable, your valour does not go unnoticed.

The Deviant spots me immediately and rushes towards me, now openly sobbing. “They are trying to keep us apart, Ciru!” he blubbers. I am now in Direct Confrontation with an unquestionably Mentally Disturbed Person. One who is also very dishevelled and highly Intoxicated. Even from 5 feet away I can see the mad gleam in his eyes and smell the liquor in his breath. This situation is highly Volatile and can turn Violent at any minute. No amount of Cadet Training prepares you for this first encounter.

Before I can think of a Response, two burly Armed and Uniformed Security Personnel infiltrate the room. They immediately approach the Assailant, Tackle him to the floor, Restrain him and commence hauling him away. The Public Nuisances’ eyes never leave mine. At first they implore, and then they register shock and subsequently fury and rage. “You bitch!” he screams, as his drunken mind slowly Decodes my involvement in this Conspiracy to take him into Custody.

Two days later, the Attack is no longer the most trending topic at the office. I have decided not to Press Charges of Harassment and/or Intimidation on condition that he undergoes a Psychiatric Evaluation. I have since then also taken out a Restraining Order and every Court Injunction I could obtain. Chloe has received two Commendations and Citations for Courageous Conduct in the Line of Fire.

Marion and I have yet to refer to the Occurrence. I doubt we will though. How can we when she does not exist? How I wish ANY of this was true!

Go back to work guys and stop watching too many Crime Dramas…they can be quite Incapacitating!

—————-

Image: Pixabay.com