It is entertaining. It is like a fish at sea racing with the speeding ship. However, to the fish themselves it is not of entertainment but of appreciation of the world as it presents its expression to them.
The appreciation is as naked as an animal that is forever looking for remnants of nature that will cast their shadows high in the suspended sky; and wait for an opportunity of food. It is a fish still swimming around and breeding to increase the joy of life among the blue skies of an ocean. I want to appreciate the world like that. It is a wonder of time in an ocean where there is nothing, only the waters that secrete the colour of time underneath with no promise of that life presenting itself to us. It is a memory still. But it is not a memory of my time when I was happy with myself. It is a memory of a time I refuse to acknowledge as mine. I feel negation at something I cannot name; it is probable that it is rejection towards me. I have denied, contradicted for so long in the name of growth. But I realize now that I was only going against and denying myself a life; I was disallowing myself pleasure. It seems like I am a corpse that will never be remembered when I die. This is something I cannot run away from; it is a feeling of disgust and yes, negation. There is something that all people have that we call “soul”. The thing that makes choices and values, when it wants to go forward it should never be held back. I have held mine back and now I am weeping like a toddler. It is not of life what I am doing; it is of dogmatic information that has no basis to what I am growing up to be.
It is a flat sentence that cannot be spoken because there is no sound to it. It is a life that has not been lived. The denial is still there; and the formulation of a life as lived afterwards is clear. But then the message is high above the horizons like a tint of smoke that is not here and not there; but between. The moments of a life denied are simple but with total pain that will never go away because it was not in time but in memory; and the memories of pain hold it reflected into another mirror that is facing another. They hold it and it brings back the image and on and on it goes to infinity. It is like an example of a mating fish that is racing with another and the sperm transported by the molecules of water to another fish. I still refuse to live my life. I am living it in memory and the seconds of my soul wants me to be as I have promised initially. The demand has come to me in a wake of my attention that it has not even disturbed the flow of my life. And now I realize that I cannot do anything of my life that is relentlessly asked to jump to those demanded tasks I have always sought and dreamed about. It is of a life still.
I am going through a passage of birth. I am changing into something that is slowly taking shape. It is my life still. But I find that I cannot cope with what is happening and the moments of reality do not seem real anymore. It is a flat sentence with no subject and no voice. It is a sentence nonetheless. I am jumping forward as it seems that there is nothing I can do. This ocean is so big, the fish entertained and the reality of my life with all these dolls of nature here seems real; but they linger with hope that they are to be entertained even – by me. But I do not know where to start; the fish tell me to go forward and race with the ship. They tell me I know what my ship is and I should follow suit. But I find myself lingering still and the promises of my stars were silently correct when they talked of my friend saving the day from the horizon. My friend has arrived and he is stroking my soul to race forward. He is silent, but he does not stop, he is pushing forward for his sake and seemingly mine. He is tall and he shows his deepest love towards me. He tells me I have also showed love towards him in the past and now he wants to guide me towards the blue of the sky as my starting point. I have never thought it would be so difficult to make a choice of living a perfect life. A life of pure energy and vast laughter of fish swimming around is not real. It is a wonder of reality seeking itself to reality. Let me lie wait and see what will happen after the race with the ship of my ocean. Yes, lie wait and see.
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