Tolu Fagbure | Case Closed!

…tying the knot of Nigerian unity

Characters

Man
Woman

Performance Note 

There is a choice of performing this play as a simple two-man cast play OR expanding it to accommodate a crowd of supporters and cheer gangs for both characters; whichever style is selected, the message and artistic nuance is assured.

An empty stage. Amidst soft but rich drumming, a middle-aged man enters stage and addresses the audience. 

MAN 

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I bid you welcome to this part of the planet. Actually, I bid you welcome to our indefatigable place of treasures without measure. A place where nothing is misplaced. A country where when it is sunny, Sanni goes to farm. Our place of miracle and debacle, our place of this and that, our… 

Voice from backstage: 

“Fatherland!” Just say “Fatherland!”

MAN 

I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, for that interruption. I have just been reliably informed that I should have said “Fatherland.” Well, my question will now be- What is the definition of “Fatherland”? is there anyone here willing to try? Yes. Yes. Yes. Since no one here looks like they can answer my question, then I shall have to define it myself. Fatherland is… 

WOMAN who has quietly entered the stage and has been observing MAN for some time suddenly interrupts and addresses the audience. 

WOMAN 

Ladies and gentlemen, it is always easy to identify a man. Please understand that I did not say gentleman. It is always easy to identify a chauvinist. Why would you not say “Motherland” for instance? 

MAN 

What difference would it make? Fatherland or Motherland, is it not an appellation to describe a country? 

WOMAN 

Well, you must note that some of us are very particular about descriptive terminologies. 

MAN 

Descriptive terminologies? 

WOMAN 

Yes. The kind that attributes everything in life to man. Mandate, Manager, Manifest, Manicure and even Menopause. 

MAN 

Is that your problem?  

WOMAN 

If you think I’ve finished, let me tell you, I am just starting. You name everything after you- Men. I’m sure you even named this country after yourself. Men… 

MAN 

Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! Don’t even go there! Don’t even bring the name of this honourable country into this matter of man and woman. If you do, if you do… 

WOMAN 

What will you do? What will you do? 

MAN 

Don’t try me. Don’t try it. I will show you. 

WOMAN 

There is nothing you can do. 

MAN 

I will call my boys and we will show you pepper. 

WOMAN 

Call your boys? Is that all you know how to do? Call your boys? 

MAN 

Are you afraid? Are you now afraid? 

WOMAN 

Over which matter? 

MAN 

Over this matter. 

WOMAN hisses and goes to call her friends. 

WOMAN 

I wonder what men feel like. 

MAN 

And I wonder what women feel like. 

WOMAN 

I know if we ask any man here to compare and contrast between a man, a woman and any country at all, he would say that the country is like a man. 

MAN 

Of course, yes. 

WOMAN 

Okay. If a man is like a country, how many men can give birth? 

MAN 

That is not the question. 

WOMAN 

It is the question. 

MAN 

It is not the question. 

WOMAN 

It is the question. 

MAN 

Okay. No argument- but show us how. Show us. 

WOMAN 

Okay. 

WOMAN does a song and then a dance which is a parable on the productivity of women. 

WOMAN

If you plant a seed
It would give multiple
If you love your woman
She would bless you well
A country is like a woman
If you love your country
You will be blessed truly.

At the end of the WOMAN’s dance, MAN also does a song and dance on the supremacy of man.

MAN 

It is simple to be a woman
But it is not simple to till the soil
It is simple to wait for your husband
When the moon tells you a story
And the stars sing you songs
But it is never easy
To be the husband of a woman or the head of a home.

WOMAN cuts in at the end of MAN’s dance. 

WOMAN 

Why are you always thinking that it is only the things that you men do that are difficult? 

MAN 

Go and ask my Yoruba brother. 

WOMAN 

Leave the Yoruba man out of this. 

MAN 

Why? 

WOMAN 

Because the Yoruba man would support you. He would not say the truth. 

MAN 

What about my friend from Calabar? 

WOMAN 

Greets in Calabar. 

I would have loved to listen to him but he would always be partial to men except if he wants to get something from his wife. 

MAN 

Who then is not a cheat? 

WOMAN 

All men are the same. 

MAN 

Including the man from the North? 

WOMAN 

Don’t mention the man from the North! 

MAN 

Why should I not mention the man from the North? 

WOMAN 

Because he is my husband. 

MAN 

There you are! Ladies and gentlemen, be kind enough to clap for this lady because she loves her husband so much and she thinks all other men are cheats. 

WOMAN 

Thank you. Now that you have announced me to the world, my dear Mr. Man, where are you from? 

MAN 

It is not your business to know. 

WOMAN 

There you are too! Egotistical Chauvinist. 

MAN

What! What did you say? 

WOMAN 

Egotistical Chauvinist! 

MAN 

You are using so much grammar to qualify my person because I did not tell you where I come from, my place and state of origin? 

WOMAN 

Na you sabi. 

MAN 

Na me sabi? 

WOMAN 

Yes, of course. 

MAN 

Look, woman, I am from the Niger-Delta, Egberi papa one and two of that whole region and I do not take lightly to insults- especially from women. 

WOMAN 

Militant! 

MAN 

Me? Militant? 

WOMAN

Yes. You. And let me tell you, this is a public place and I shall not, will not and do not subscribe to being kidnapped. 

MAN 

I don’t blame you. 

WOMAN 

What did you say? 

MAN 

I said I don’t blame you. 

WOMAN 

Why? 

MAN 

Because you lack imagination. 

WOMAN 

That is an insult. Withdraw that statement! 

MAN 

Theoretically or practically? 

WOMAN 

Both ways. 

MAN 

You see again? You lack imagination. 

WOMAN 

Why are you insulting me now? 

MAN 

It is only a statement on your state of knowledge of the Niger-Delta people. Investigate and you will understand better. I rest my case. 

WOMAN 

You cannot. There are so many questions to be asked. 

MAN 

Leave it. Don’t touch it! Case Closed!

WOMAN

Chauvinist. 

MAN 

Feminist. Egotistical Feminist. 

WOMAN 

Don’t call me names. 

MAN 

I thought that’s the new game we were playing. 

WOMAN 

And who is playing games with you? I can’t play games with someone whose manner is particularly uncivilized. You are uncouth and unbecoming, you are… 

MAN 

I don’t think you are an African woman. 

WOMAN 

Look at you. I am fully African. 

MAN 

Definitely not from this country of the green white green. 

WOMAN 

Where else would I come from? 

She does a maiden dance from the east and merges it into Atilogwu. 

MAN 

No wonder. You are from the region of the bearded general. 

WOMAN 

And I am proud to acknowledge it. 

MAN 

And I am proud also to say that you need re-branding. 

WOMAN 

Is that supposed to be an insult?

MAN

It is a fact.

WOMAN 

It is complete fallacy. 

MAN 

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  

WOMAN 

Now you are bearing false witness. 

MAN 

People from your side are the first and original militants. 

WOMAN 

People from your side are the oldest militants. 

MAN 

You people like too much money. 

WOMAN 

You people too like too much drinking. 

MAN 

Look, people from your side are too desperate to have money. 

WOMAN 

People from your side are too lazy. 

MAN 

Men from your side don’t respect women. 

WOMAN 

And we know that men from your side don’t too. 

MAN 

The Hausa man is better, though he marries too many women. 

WOMAN 

What about the man from the west? 

MAN

You people have caused us problems. You introduced four one nine. 

WOMAN 

And who introduced yahoo yahoo? 

MAN 

That is not the question.  

WOMAN 

Why don’t you look for answers? 

MAN 

Answers? 

WOMAN 

Yes. Answers. 

MAN 

The answer is here already. 

WOMAN 

And what is the answer? 

MAN 

Rebranding! Rebranding is the answer. 

WOMAN 

Me I don’t think re – branding will work o! 

MAN 

Why? 

WOMAN 

See all the dirty names we call ourselves. 

MAN 

We clean ourselves up by calling ourselves clean names. 

WOMAN 

See some of the things we said, they are actually true. 

MAN

That is why we need re-branding. 

WOMAN 

And what are we re-branding? 

MAN 

The image of the country. 

WOMAN 

How? 

MAN 

By re-branding of course! 

WOMAN 

How? 

Silence. 

 MAN could not answer. 

WOMAN 

You can’t re-brand Nigeria if you don’t improve the people. 

MAN 

I think you are making sense. 

WOMAN 

If you put a hungry man in the richest clothes, he is still a hungry man. 

MAN 

True talk. 

WOMAN 

If you put a bad product in a new pack, it is still a bad product. 

MAN 

Very good talk. 

WOMAN 

I don’t think we need repackaging at all, at all. 

MAN 

So, what do we need? Hit the nail on the head. 

WOMAN 

Reproduction. Complete and total overhauling of important areas. 

MAN 

But it is the same. 

WOMAN 

It is not 

MAN 

It is. 

WOMAN 

It is not! 

MAN 

There you go again, arguing with me. 

WOMAN 

Why must I always submit to your argument? 

MAN 

And why do you think you can never be wrong? 

WOMAN 

And why do you think you are always right? 

MAN 

Look. Let’s stop this argument and agree on a way forward. 

WOMAN 

So, what do you suggest? 

MAN 

Good! Now that you are listening, this is my point. Reproduction, repacking, overhauling no matter what nomenclature, all boil down to what? 

WOMAN 

Giving something a new identity. 

MAN 

Which in one word is? 

WOMAN 

Hesitates Rebranding. 

MAN 

Exactly! And we must all stop our individual accusations, drop our ethnical egos and our tribal pride to come together and pool ideas to make it successful. 

WOMAN 

In other words, you are saying that we must all display a quantifiable measure of maturity by managing our disagreements to achieve a desired agreement. 

MAN 

Gbam!!! 

WOMAN 

We must look for the shreds of our national friendship. Unity, nationalism and patriotism and find a way to make them whole again. 

MAN 

My dear, you have imagination. 

WOMAN 

What did you say? 

MAN 

I say you are rich in imagination. Case Closed! 

WOMAN

Case Closed!

Both laugh and exit. END

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Image: MS Co-Pilot AI