…tying the knot of Nigerian unity
Characters
Man
Woman
Performance Note
There is a choice of performing this play as a simple two-man cast play OR expanding it to accommodate a crowd of supporters and cheer gangs for both characters; whichever style is selected, the message and artistic nuance is assured.
An empty stage. Amidst soft but rich drumming, a middle-aged man enters stage and addresses the audience.
MAN
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I bid you welcome to this part of the planet. Actually, I bid you welcome to our indefatigable place of treasures without measure. A place where nothing is misplaced. A country where when it is sunny, Sanni goes to farm. Our place of miracle and debacle, our place of this and that, our…
Voice from backstage:
“Fatherland!” Just say “Fatherland!”
MAN
I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, for that interruption. I have just been reliably informed that I should have said “Fatherland.” Well, my question will now be- What is the definition of “Fatherland”? is there anyone here willing to try? Yes. Yes. Yes. Since no one here looks like they can answer my question, then I shall have to define it myself. Fatherland is…
WOMAN who has quietly entered the stage and has been observing MAN for some time suddenly interrupts and addresses the audience.
WOMAN
Ladies and gentlemen, it is always easy to identify a man. Please understand that I did not say gentleman. It is always easy to identify a chauvinist. Why would you not say “Motherland” for instance?
MAN
What difference would it make? Fatherland or Motherland, is it not an appellation to describe a country?
WOMAN
Well, you must note that some of us are very particular about descriptive terminologies.
MAN
Descriptive terminologies?
WOMAN
Yes. The kind that attributes everything in life to man. Mandate, Manager, Manifest, Manicure and even Menopause.
MAN
Is that your problem?
WOMAN
If you think I’ve finished, let me tell you, I am just starting. You name everything after you- Men. I’m sure you even named this country after yourself. Men…
MAN
Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! Don’t even go there! Don’t even bring the name of this honourable country into this matter of man and woman. If you do, if you do…
WOMAN
What will you do? What will you do?
MAN
Don’t try me. Don’t try it. I will show you.
WOMAN
There is nothing you can do.
MAN
I will call my boys and we will show you pepper.
WOMAN
Call your boys? Is that all you know how to do? Call your boys?
MAN
Are you afraid? Are you now afraid?
WOMAN
Over which matter?
MAN
Over this matter.
WOMAN hisses and goes to call her friends.
WOMAN
I wonder what men feel like.
MAN
And I wonder what women feel like.
WOMAN
I know if we ask any man here to compare and contrast between a man, a woman and any country at all, he would say that the country is like a man.
MAN
Of course, yes.
WOMAN
Okay. If a man is like a country, how many men can give birth?
MAN
That is not the question.
WOMAN
It is the question.
MAN
It is not the question.
WOMAN
It is the question.
MAN
Okay. No argument- but show us how. Show us.
WOMAN
Okay.
WOMAN does a song and then a dance which is a parable on the productivity of women.
WOMAN
If you plant a seed
It would give multiple
If you love your woman
She would bless you well
A country is like a woman
If you love your country
You will be blessed truly.
At the end of the WOMAN’s dance, MAN also does a song and dance on the supremacy of man.
MAN
It is simple to be a woman
But it is not simple to till the soil
It is simple to wait for your husband
When the moon tells you a story
And the stars sing you songs
But it is never easy
To be the husband of a woman or the head of a home.
WOMAN cuts in at the end of MAN’s dance.
WOMAN
Why are you always thinking that it is only the things that you men do that are difficult?
MAN
Go and ask my Yoruba brother.
WOMAN
Leave the Yoruba man out of this.
MAN
Why?
WOMAN
Because the Yoruba man would support you. He would not say the truth.
MAN
What about my friend from Calabar?
WOMAN
Greets in Calabar.
I would have loved to listen to him but he would always be partial to men except if he wants to get something from his wife.
MAN
Who then is not a cheat?
WOMAN
All men are the same.
MAN
Including the man from the North?
WOMAN
Don’t mention the man from the North!
MAN
Why should I not mention the man from the North?
WOMAN
Because he is my husband.
MAN
There you are! Ladies and gentlemen, be kind enough to clap for this lady because she loves her husband so much and she thinks all other men are cheats.
WOMAN
Thank you. Now that you have announced me to the world, my dear Mr. Man, where are you from?
MAN
It is not your business to know.
WOMAN
There you are too! Egotistical Chauvinist.
MAN
What! What did you say?
WOMAN
Egotistical Chauvinist!
MAN
You are using so much grammar to qualify my person because I did not tell you where I come from, my place and state of origin?
WOMAN
Na you sabi.
MAN
Na me sabi?
WOMAN
Yes, of course.
MAN
Look, woman, I am from the Niger-Delta, Egberi papa one and two of that whole region and I do not take lightly to insults- especially from women.
WOMAN
Militant!
MAN
Me? Militant?
WOMAN
Yes. You. And let me tell you, this is a public place and I shall not, will not and do not subscribe to being kidnapped.
MAN
I don’t blame you.
WOMAN
What did you say?
MAN
I said I don’t blame you.
WOMAN
Why?
MAN
Because you lack imagination.
WOMAN
That is an insult. Withdraw that statement!
MAN
Theoretically or practically?
WOMAN
Both ways.
MAN
You see again? You lack imagination.
WOMAN
Why are you insulting me now?
MAN
It is only a statement on your state of knowledge of the Niger-Delta people. Investigate and you will understand better. I rest my case.
WOMAN
You cannot. There are so many questions to be asked.
MAN
Leave it. Don’t touch it! Case Closed!
WOMAN
Chauvinist.
MAN
Feminist. Egotistical Feminist.
WOMAN
Don’t call me names.
MAN
I thought that’s the new game we were playing.
WOMAN
And who is playing games with you? I can’t play games with someone whose manner is particularly uncivilized. You are uncouth and unbecoming, you are…
MAN
I don’t think you are an African woman.
WOMAN
Look at you. I am fully African.
MAN
Definitely not from this country of the green white green.
WOMAN
Where else would I come from?
She does a maiden dance from the east and merges it into Atilogwu.
MAN
No wonder. You are from the region of the bearded general.
WOMAN
And I am proud to acknowledge it.
MAN
And I am proud also to say that you need re-branding.
WOMAN
Is that supposed to be an insult?
MAN
It is a fact.
WOMAN
It is complete fallacy.
MAN
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
WOMAN
Now you are bearing false witness.
MAN
People from your side are the first and original militants.
WOMAN
People from your side are the oldest militants.
MAN
You people like too much money.
WOMAN
You people too like too much drinking.
MAN
Look, people from your side are too desperate to have money.
WOMAN
People from your side are too lazy.
MAN
Men from your side don’t respect women.
WOMAN
And we know that men from your side don’t too.
MAN
The Hausa man is better, though he marries too many women.
WOMAN
What about the man from the west?
MAN
You people have caused us problems. You introduced four one nine.
WOMAN
And who introduced yahoo yahoo?
MAN
That is not the question.
WOMAN
Why don’t you look for answers?
MAN
Answers?
WOMAN
Yes. Answers.
MAN
The answer is here already.
WOMAN
And what is the answer?
MAN
Rebranding! Rebranding is the answer.
WOMAN
Me I don’t think re – branding will work o!
MAN
Why?
WOMAN
See all the dirty names we call ourselves.
MAN
We clean ourselves up by calling ourselves clean names.
WOMAN
See some of the things we said, they are actually true.
MAN
That is why we need re-branding.
WOMAN
And what are we re-branding?
MAN
The image of the country.
WOMAN
How?
MAN
By re-branding of course!
WOMAN
How?
Silence.
MAN could not answer.
WOMAN
You can’t re-brand Nigeria if you don’t improve the people.
MAN
I think you are making sense.
WOMAN
If you put a hungry man in the richest clothes, he is still a hungry man.
MAN
True talk.
WOMAN
If you put a bad product in a new pack, it is still a bad product.
MAN
Very good talk.
WOMAN
I don’t think we need repackaging at all, at all.
MAN
So, what do we need? Hit the nail on the head.
WOMAN
Reproduction. Complete and total overhauling of important areas.
MAN
But it is the same.
WOMAN
It is not
MAN
It is.
WOMAN
It is not!
MAN
There you go again, arguing with me.
WOMAN
Why must I always submit to your argument?
MAN
And why do you think you can never be wrong?
WOMAN
And why do you think you are always right?
MAN
Look. Let’s stop this argument and agree on a way forward.
WOMAN
So, what do you suggest?
MAN
Good! Now that you are listening, this is my point. Reproduction, repacking, overhauling no matter what nomenclature, all boil down to what?
WOMAN
Giving something a new identity.
MAN
Which in one word is?
WOMAN
Hesitates Rebranding.
MAN
Exactly! And we must all stop our individual accusations, drop our ethnical egos and our tribal pride to come together and pool ideas to make it successful.
WOMAN
In other words, you are saying that we must all display a quantifiable measure of maturity by managing our disagreements to achieve a desired agreement.
MAN
Gbam!!!
WOMAN
We must look for the shreds of our national friendship. Unity, nationalism and patriotism and find a way to make them whole again.
MAN
My dear, you have imagination.
WOMAN
What did you say?
MAN
I say you are rich in imagination. Case Closed!
WOMAN
Case Closed!
Both laugh and exit. END
———
Image: MS Co-Pilot AI
Amazing work of art. Read it all in one breath. The message is clear and the urgent need for national productivity is inevitable. The need to restart the process and revisit the faulty foundation is imminent. We must reboot or remain stuck on screen of mediocrity for ever. Well done Tolu.
Thank you for your kind words Tola.